How YOU can be better at Coparenting Nathania, January 9, 2022April 16, 2023 Co parenting and sharing custody is never an easy task. Here are some tips to ensure your child gets all the support, encouragement, and love that they deserve from both parents. Maneuvering custody after a breakup can be a challenging thing for all involved parties. One parent may feel they are getting less than fair time, or the child may be struggling with the idea of split holidays and birthdays. Regardless of how everyone feels about why the arrangement is happening, it is still important to actually form and finalize the arrangement. My son’s father and I broke off our six year relationship 3 months after the birth of our only child. This was both a devastating and gratifying time for me because it meant I had to go through the battles of postpartum alone, but it also gave me the time and space I needed to grow as a person and new mother. Initially, my ex came to see his son whenever he could and there was no specific schedule or custody agreement. Then, the holidays came around and things started to get a bit, challenging. My family has always been huge on holidays. Thanksgiving is a family event. Everyone participates in meal prep. There’s a huge feast at my childhood home with cousins, aunts, uncles… it’s the whole debacle. Now, Christmas is an even bigger deal. Christmas is HUGE in my house. Always has been, always will be. Now, my son’s father just did not have the same holiday experience growing up. Having it known how crucial a huge holiday season for my baby is, the idea of shared holidays was just hard. I know it’s fair that we split and rotate holidays, but… I want my baby to have all amazing holidays with his amazing mama. Ya know?Pay attention to see how my son’s father and I overcame this complication and came to a fair agreement with holidays and everything else. Pexels-Pavel-DanilyukWhat is co parenting and joint custody?Co parenting is when two parents are not in a romantic relationship, but work together in order to raise their child with equitable responsibility and authority. Joint custody is when a child splits their time equitably between two parents. Just because two parents are co parenting does not mean that they have a joint custody agreement. In some cases, a joint custody agreement may also be between a decision making parent and a grandparent. Why is it important to co parent cooperatively?In almost all cases, it is essential for a child’s wellbeing to have both parents play an active role in their daily life. In most of those cases, especially if the child is young, the relationship between the co parents will have a direct influence over the child’s relationships with one another and others outside of the home. Children of parents who cannot get along are more likely to experience anxiety or depression. Now don’t get me wrong. I understand that coparenting agreeably is easier said than done. Sometimes it is hard to let go of all the resentment and unresolved issues from a failed relationship. That is why you have to remember that the goal is to raise a healthy and happy human, not get closure or even punish your ex. Children are sponges. They soak up every comment you say and every expression you make. Remember that the way you heal will impact your child directly or indirectly whether you realize it or not. The first time my son stayed with his father was extremely hard for me. As a stay at home mom I was the only face he was used to seeing all day everyday. The adjustment of going to his fathers home without me rather than having his father visit us was a big one for us all. I called my son on facetime to hear the wails and see his tiny face drowned with tears and it crushed me. He missed me as much as I missed him. The issue wasn’t that his father was incapable of caring for him or neglected him in any way, but I was ready to call the whole thing off and restrict visits to my home until “further notice.” Realizing how unfair that would be, of course I backed off on that idea. Over time my son got more used to being away from me with his dad and that made our joint custody agreement easier on everyone. Had I stuck to my guns and insisted visits be only at my home with me at arm’s length, he would never have overcome the anxiety of being away from me and coparenting would be less equitable. With these tips, you can coparent efficiently and come up with a fair and equitable joint custody agreement. Pexels-Pavel-Danilyuk9 Best Tips for Coparenting and Joint CustodyTip 1: Set aside any resentment towards your ex.Your failed relationship has absolutely nothing to do with your ex’s ability to parent their child. Someone can be an absolutely crappy partner and an excellent parent. It can be hard having to regularly interact with someone you are holding onto negative feelings about. It’s okay to be hurt as long as you do not let it reflect your behaviors. It may be in the best interest of your family if you both seek counseling individually and together to work out any unresolved feelings. You want to avoid venting to your child about their other parent. It’s none of the child’s business how the other parent may have wronged you in your relationship. It has nothing to do with the relationship between the two of them nor should it. Your kid is not a messenger either. If you need a mediator, it should be a neutral adult. Instead of focusing on the negative actions of your ex, try to focus on the way you react to things that may impact your child mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, or in general. The goal is raising a well rounded human who can engage in complicated relationships without losing their cool. It may also be helpful to think of your relationship as something that was meant to be a chapter in your life. That chapter has ended and you are moving forward with your story. They were a supporting character for a while, but now they’ve been demoted to a minor background character for the remainder of the story. And that is okay. Tip 2: Work on your communication skillsOne of the reasons the relationship I had with my son’s father was unsuccessful was because we were absolutely awful at communicating effectively. It wasn’t until months after our breakup when we became a lot more open with each other and were able to acknowledge this. We were able to overcome our awful communication skills for the wellbeing of our child and you can too! Keep in mind that there is a goal behind every interaction and that goal is your little one getting something they need, want, or deserve. If you need to plan out structural conversations before reaching out then do that, but make sure that they are dignified and productive. If communication is really something that you are struggling with, keep in mind that every exchange does not need to be in person. You can keep any important communication via email or text. This is also a great thing to do if you feel like there may be custody issues in the future because it is documentary proof of any agreements you’ve had. Also keep in mind that while you do not need to talk in person, you still should be communicating often enough to hold up a united front. If your child sees a weakness in your relationship – especially teenagers – they will take advantage. Personally, I think the ideal coparenting relationship is one where the co parents can still have some resemblance of a friendship. However, I do understand that is not always possible. If you are in a situation where friendship with your co parent is not an option, then you can address your coparenting relationship as a business relationship. Communicate with them in the same manner you would a colleague. This includes the occasional need to show restraint. There may be times where they push your buttons and you will have to remind yourself that cordiality and respect is necessary for the remaining x years of your baby’s childhood. With practice, you will be numb to the sore spots over time. Sometimes when a breakup is fresh, you just need a bit of time to heal before the idea of being friends can make sense. If that is your situation and you do eventually want to have more than just a business relationship, you can start like this. First, acknowledge your own shortcomings and mistakes. Make it known that you see where you messed up and apologize sincerely. You cannot change the past, but you can make up for it in the future. Secondly, you should engage more with your co parent. Talk to them positively. Ask for their advice showing you value their opinion. Ask them about their day, just be kind. Another thing you can do is be more flexible. If they went over their time by an hour or so, chill out. If you didn’t have anything planned anyway, is it really that big of a deal? It makes things easier in terms of communication when it isn’t so tense, plus they’re more likely to be flexible with you as well. A major part of communication is listening! Yes, you read that right. In order to effectively coparent, you have to listen to your ex’s thoughts, ideas, and contributions! This is something I struggled with. I am in the process of evolving into a listener who acknowledges that everyone who disagrees with me is not always wrong. I am getting there, and if this is something you are not the best at either, I believe in you. Do better today than you did yesterday and then do it again. Pexels-Pavel-DanilyukTip 3: Work as a teamRemember that you two need to hold up a united front in order to co parent effectively. Whether you get along with your ex or not, you will have to share the decision making and responsibilities that are part of raising a child. While your child should understand that their parents are not living in the same house or romantically involved like some of their friend’s parents, they should still think of you as a team. Your child should not have the means – or be aware of any means – to pit you against each other. The expectations, consequences, and overall philosophies do not necessarily have to align exactly, but they should be consistent enough where your child cannot say something like, “well, at daddy’s house I can…” and it be a big deal. Keeping things consistent leaves less room for unnecessary confusion. Homework policies, routines, curfews, dietary restrictions, prohibited activities, disciplinary actions, etc. are topics that co parents should always be on the same page with. Disciplinary actions should be respected enough that if one coparent sets a punishment it is respected in the other household. This means if your ex placed your child on a video game restriction because they failed a test, you should be setting those same limitations. If you disagree with a punishment, the best course of action is following through but communicating your thoughts with your co parent on what a better course of action may be in the future. At the same time, don’t waste energy sweating the small things. If you want bedtime at 8:30 and your ex says 9, it’s not that serious. Although, if there is some debate over a surgery or something serious, that definitely needs to be discussed until there is an agreement in place. Consider each others perspectives, respect one another’s opinions, and compromise. When things get hard and you have to remind yourself not to hate them, try to remember the good times in your relationship. Remember when you were so in love and thought you could conquer anything together? You may not have been able to survive as a couple, but you have the means to survive as co parents. There are so many decisions that have to be made as a parent. In some instances one parent may take on these responsibilities. If that is the case they should always be keeping the other parent in the loop. For example, I take my son to all of his doctors appointments and typically make any medical decisions. However, I always keep my son’s father posted on every visit and any concerns that may have been discussed. I have even gone as far as recording visits for him to review later. In other cases, both parents should have an equitable say in decisions. For instance, I have a background in early childhood education, so his father trusts me enough to be the primary decision maker in what schools our son attends. However, he does get to contribute his opinions on things like tuition fees, location, and curricula choices which impact a decision like that. From there, discussions arise and it becomes a joint effort in choosing a school. All in all, what works for you is what you should go with. Tip 4: Keep transitions easy for the childGoing back and forth between households can be stressful for a child. Every reunion with one parent is separation from another. Every hello is a goodbye. Please keep this in mind when transitioning your child between households, especially when a new schedule is in place.Pack their bags ahead of time. You do not want to take away any time from their other parent so make sure that a bag is packed with everything they may need during their time away. If possible, there should be a toothbrush and sufficient clothing at the homes of both parents. Both homes should also have personal items like family photos, favorite toys, special mementos, etc.Make sure to remind your child that they will be going to their other parent’s house in x amount of time. Let them know how long they will be there and give them as much information as you can. This helps them anticipate the change and lessens the chance of anxiety.Ask them about positive experiences they have had at their other parents home. This increases the likelihood of them getting excited to go back. While this may be a bitter time for you, it shouldn’t be a negative experience for your child. Try to keep the vibes positive, because it isn’t about you.Another meaningful tip may be to always drop your child off rather than picking them up. The act of packing up to go to daddy’s house is a different feel from interrupting a home time activity to go to daddy’s house.When your child is dropped back off try to have a special routine to welcome them home. You can prepare their favorite meal or take them for a treat. This transition can be hard for some kids, so if they want space try to just be nearby if possible. Let them know you are there for them.Pexels-Pavel-DanilyukTip 5: Acknowledge your co parents special dates and act accordinglyAs the adult, you may have to take the responsibility of remembering and celebrating special dates and occasions for your co parent. That means, dads, you may have to take the initiative to purchase that birthday present for your ex. Mama, make sure you get him a gift for fathers day on behalf of the kids. Put whatever petty grievances you have aside for the sake of family and show your children how to celebrate one another.Being kind and thoughtful towards one another will go a long way. Plus, your kids will sell you out in a minute and say they just didn’t have any money for a gift, which I’m sure is accurate. They also don’t have a vehicle to get to a shop either way, so just help them out and do something special when it’s appropriate.Tip 6: Share positive memories about their other parentIt is so easy to focus on all of the bad things that happened after a relationship ends. Your child will benefit from hearing good memories you have with their other parent. It’s not just your history after all, it’s theirs as well. Talk to your little one about the time you met their other parent. Share all the appropriate details that you can remember. Where were you? What were they wearing? What about them caught your eye? First impressions? Where did you go for your first date? When did you know you loved them and when did you first say it out loud for the first time? This is especially important if your child does not have any memories of you two together or if the separation is recent. Show them that they were a product of love, even if the love isn’t there anymore. This also goes hand in hand with paying your co parent compliments in front of your children. Whether it is directed at your co parent or not, you should be acknowledging positive qualities they have for your children to hear. For instance, my son is super strong for his age. Seriously, this is not just regular mom bragging. Even his doctor nicknamed him baby Herc, so yeah. Anyway, whenever he does something to show off his strength I make sure to say something along the lines of him being big and strong just like his daddy. I’ve also heard Matt’s daddy telling him he’s so curious and observant just like his mama. While our son is still very young and doesn’t necessarily understand what we’re saying, he still gets the gist of it and it’s practice for when he’s older. Pexels-Pavel-DanilyukTip 7: Celebrate success and accomplishments together My son’s father was not with us when my son took his first steps. I texted his dad and let him know immediately as it was happening. He dropped everything and came right over to watch his son walking. We laughed and played with him together and it felt amazing being able to celebrate that with one another.We noticed a new tooth breaking through one afternoon when his father was over. We were so excited that we shared a moment of pure bliss and it was all about that new milestone as parents.Keep each other posted about big events and celebrate accomplishments as a family. It will make your coparenting relationship stronger and your child will thrive when seeing you both so proud. Tip 8: Protect your own mental healthThere are going to be things your co parent does that impacts your mental health. Hopefully they are mindful of this and kind enough not to intentionally do things or rub any salt on your wounds. However, it happens. Especially if the relationship ended a bitter note or was one sided. The important thing to remember in this case is that you need to take care of yourself. Take advantage of the time you have away from your child and get to know yourself away from being a parent and spouse. Go out to dinner alone, or enjoy a movie night at home. Take a bath with epsom salts or try out a new spa. Do what makes you feel good about yourself because you need to provide for your little one and you can’t pour from an empty cup!Use affirmations to remind yourself of all your great qualities and potential. When your child sees you getting into these self care rituals habitually, it sets the tone for them to practice it as well. Part of this is also being mindful when it comes to new partners. Do not force yourself to date before you’re ready just because your co parent is dating. If your co parent is with someone else, whether it is serious or not does not have anything to do with you unless your child is being introduced to them or mistreated. My co parent and I agreed that we would introduce any new partners to each other before our son meets them. That is what we decided at the time of our breakup and it may or may not work for you. Personally, I feel no need to introduce my son to anyone that I am dating unless I see the potential of marriage or more children with them. At that time they would be considered a member of my family and be building a relationship with my co parent to maintain peace and cordiality. Then would be an appropriate time to decide what roles any bonus parents may or may not play in regards to our child’s life. Pexels-Pavel-DanilyukTip 9: Create a parenting planIf all else fails, or even before you even get the chance to fail, create a parenting agreement!You can find an example of a parenting agreement here. These co parenting plans can be really helpful if you know you want to coparent, but just aren’t sure where to start. It also will work for you if you are struggling with any kind of routine or consistency in your new lifestyle changes. This may be used as a document to present in family court if it comes to that, but it also just something is great to have in an amicable split. So how do we co parent cooperatively?Ultimately, you and this person created a life together. You are both responsible for making sure that little life flourishes in this world. Set aside your differences and communicate effectively. Work as a team to make transitions and adjustments easier on each other and your child. Treat one another respectfully and as family, but be professional like with a colleague if you need to. Celebrate success together but acknowledge boundaries and self preservation. When in doubt, get together to make a well thought out plan and stick to it. Motherhood